In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm just crazy horny about you
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize