just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
