I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
