Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
porn star boner night. come get it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
