Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
