true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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