I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize