So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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