The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
