she's into porn, im staying here tonight
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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