You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
