I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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