Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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