I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize