Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
