I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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