College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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