I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize