your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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