Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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