If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize