My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
