lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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