She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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