I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
