I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
