She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
