If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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