Don't make out with my wife yet
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Randomize
