don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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