Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
