it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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