I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
