I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
someone owes me an orgasm
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
