Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Randomize
