there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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