she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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