I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
