I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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