I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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