Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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