I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
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