My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
