If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize