She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
