Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
