i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
