I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
