I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
