Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
