Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
