with your own penis?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
