so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
