mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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