You're my little dorito
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
