I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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