you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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