i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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