I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
