I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize