he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
