last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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