I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
