marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
