I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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