I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize