I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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